Fragments of a Female Consciousness….

nothing more than neurotic & divinely chaotic thoughts.

Black eyes, burn…

Your thoughts I’ve read.
Things I wished for, never said.
Too black to ever be loved,
Too fragile & full of ash for any one to hold onto,
I’ll just slip through your fingers,
Really, no I won’t get that far,
You’ll dip your fingers in realizing I’m just black sticky tar,
My black poison Stuck all over you.
Only come so close,
Just enough for your extremities to burn.
Sitting in the sun,
I’m really ever so fun.
Just a bunch of silly words strung together,
Caught in a spiral of my own ash,
Held with a black sticky tether.
Full of scars and pain,
Too fucked up to ever be seen for all that I truly am.
A tear down my cheek,
Silent words nothing to speak.
My heart aches,
I wish it would all just dissolve.
From my insides out.
Such a shame, such a waste.
Maybe I have it all wrong,
Maybe I don’t have a clue.
If all that we seek lies within,
Then what’s a girl to do??
When your damaged goods?
When you do not have the capacity to see past the shade?
Decisions past and made.
Like a homeless bag lady,
Baggage draped all around.
My internals don’t make a sound,
I silently scream. Ever so quietly.
Head pound with all the silent sound.
I just want to sleep, to seep into my unconscious.
There there is nothing, there I’m free of self, in sleep I am empty.
Until of course I have a nightmare,
But in sleep it all stops.

So much broken.
What have I done? How do I fix it?
I can’t face another hi how are you!?
Can’t face another empty smile,
Is it indeed I who has turned my back?
It feels like everything external,
But I know it’s within.
Want some one to hold my hand, to caress my brow.
To tell me it’s all going to be ok.
It’s all going to be ok.
Changes made, plans mislaid.
Put on your pretty face,
Draw on that perfect smile.
Why hello there, how do you do,
I’m ever so fine,
My pain forever trapped in time.
Smile & wave.
Swiping across the empty screen,
Looking for a little red number.
A flash of life,
A pathetic reduction.
Hope dissolving in my closed eyes,
A snow flake melting in my hand.
The firmer you hold,
The warmer your grip,
The quicker it melts away.
Dreams trickling down my arm.
All slipping away, all but lost..

Some where in the ice a pilot light flickers…..
A journey, a quest..
To find the warmth, the find the flicker of sienna amongst the black cold.
To find the flicker, to protect it,
To nurture it, to give it daily fuel.
A quest to find the flicker,
To take care of it till grows to a burn.
I’m sure it’s there somewhere,
Deep in the blue of my eyes,
The faintest pilot light,
Just quietly waiting to ignight.
Faint, ever so small,
But it’s there, deep in your blue.
A flickering pilot light waiting ever so patiently to ignight.
A quest to uncover it’s quiet burn.
Your time & my turn.

DC

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