Fragments of a Female Consciousness….

nothing more than neurotic & divinely chaotic thoughts.

Beautiful Pain….

I just want to be anything other than I am. Is that so much to ask? Really?! Just anything other than me. Or perhaps just a different version.

I’m not sure really. At the very least a thinner version of me, inadequate. Not the least bit enough. Just a silly emotion, it will pass.

Fucking entertain me. Dance for me, I feel empty. Fill me. Fill me with fucking anything. I’ll take whatever you are going to blow my way.

Hand around, down. Whispers of sticky. It is not enough. I still feel empty. A mouthful and I still don’t feel satisfied. So empty. Black hole where my pulse should be.

I know better I do. And yet I keep coming back to this place. Fuck. Pain hidden now plastered across my face.

Disgusting woman coughing up her chunky phlegm on the train. Her germs disbursed like a poison rain. Fucking circles I tell you. Just a whisper or indeed a cough.

Something has got to give. Something has to change. But what exactly, that’s the issue. I can’t do it all anymore. All the light and love left out side my fucking door.

I am a fake, my life and love the inertia did take. Empty. Just a casing, a skin, nothing left within. And I had a dream, now dissolved into seeking cheap thrills.

Release, let go, sticky spills. Cheap. Nothing to keep. I know better, I do, I swear. But I am so very broken, left with a scar and tear. Spent my money, filled my belly, listened to your story, so fucking jelly.

Grow the fuck up, just get on with it. Something has to give. The world is your oyster they say, it’s a fucking lie. All just a lie. But for some it’s not. Tied here with a big knot.

Stairway to no where. A path not clear. A road block here and a locked door there. This is it. That is all. Wake up! What’s the point? I think perhaps ignorance is bliss. Here, it’s just a kiss.

I can not stand one more station, just take me fucking home. Whatever for, there is nothing there, just an empty bed and ceiling to stare. This is where my path has led me. What did I do so wrong?

Lost in my song. Lost in my black, not sure how to get back. What is the point? I will just end up coming back around, back to the beginning sound. My heart. Beat. Pulse.

Ignorance is fucking bliss. I wish I didn’t know better. I wish I couldn’t see. Dreams and pain self inflicted on me. Cigarette smoke inhaled, not by choice, puffed in my face.

So empty. Church, God, love, children, clothes, shopping, cheap thrills, success. All of it eventually leads me here. I fucking know! Answer my own bloody questions.

Nothing external can make you happy… She says as she rolls her eyes. What you seek already lies with in. But right now it feels like a fucking lie. I can’t be fucked, the end, die. Pale blue sky.

Fly? Fly where? I can’t afford it. You create your own reality? Really? Hippy bull shit I tell you. I can’t do it any more. I can not maintain the energy. In need of constant entertainment. Fucking fill me up.

Just an emotion, just riding the high and the lows. The truth I indeed already know. In time this too shall pass. I will come up for air. I’ll fly again with out a care. Just a moment, a moment lost in my black. In a minuet I will be back.

In time this too shall pass…..

DC

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This entry was posted on December 27, 2013 by and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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