Fragments of a Female Consciousness….

nothing more than neurotic & divinely chaotic thoughts.

Pain, velvet pools of……

photo-17Pain, velvet pools of......

Pain is a curious thing,
I’ve spent so long running from it.
Trying to stamp it out
To extinguish it from my being,
From my state of consciousness.

I’ve been to the very depths,
I’ve been to the bottom of my pain
To the black corners of my internal workings,
It’s safe and familiar and cold and dark
It encases you until you are lost in its flow,

A flow of thick velvet blood,
Pools of velvet, delicious blood.
I gently dip my fingers on its surface,
Do I dare to create this ripple?
It’s glorious.

Submerging my being and fingers,
Gloriously feeling the viscous blood.
Dripping from the very tips of my fingers.
My life flowing out of my veins.
Glorious and safe and familiar,
And fucking terrifying.

All in one moment,
A moment incased in the totality of my pain and blackness.
A moment I feel completely alive and free and dead.
Until I open my eyes,
And I realize the velvet pools have intoxicated me,
Mesmerizing me and are starting to rise…
Suddenly I’m drowning…
I can’t catch my breath, I can’t catch my breath…
I feel the sting and all at once I feel the pain.

All of life and meaning rushes to the surface.
Open my eyes, open my eyes.
I’m alive. I feel pain. I’m alive.
I’m scared and alone. But my eyes are open.
I speak of a time so very long ago.
And now I’ve just kept running.
Kept pushing, keep grappling for the surface,
For the sun, for the light, for the air

I don’t ever want to go down there again,
I want to breathe life and feel blood pulsing in my veins,
Exactly where it should remain.
I want to seek nothing but light and love.
Nothing but the other side of a perfect coin.

Sun shine and lollipops.
And clouds with rainbows spewing from the side.
Positive affirmations and inspirational quotes
Fucking happy I tell you!!
It is all that is acceptable,
I don’t want to go back to the black.

Denying me the darkness,
Pretending it never existed.
If I close the door tight,
There should be nothing but light.
If I wish and hope,
If I just keep running,
I will be in nothing but the sunlight.

Except when the sun goes down,
When the light diffuses
And dissolves into shade.
Because it always will,
Its inevitable, a simple fact.
A part of the ebb and flow of life.

Black and white and the extremes of life.
Both are a beautiful part of who we are.
A shining star in the black of night.
Its all light and love and shade,
Hold on tight.
Be lost in the flow.

A part f your past,
A part of my future.
Pain and love.
Managing the light and shade.
The darkness of night,
Gives way to the beauty of day.
One without the other would not be the same.

Embracing the totality,
Of the experiences,
That have come my way.
Including the light & love & shade.

Just let go, trust…
We are all exactly
Where we are supposed to be.
Our light and shade,
The totality of me,
Just a tiny part of a beautiful story.

I’m alive and blooming.
My petals of life,
Blood red,
Unfolding, slowly uncurling,
Open to the light,
Open to the shade.


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